Love

Lately i can't wait to be in love. Not that stupid, infatuated, giddy, sweaty, walking-on-air feeling; the I know every grubby, ugly, offensive reality about you and I love you! I can't wait to look someone in the eye and know for a fact that we're going to share the rest of our lives. The love I grew up watching resonate between my parents. The love I saw, well aged, well worn, between my grandparents. I can't wait for that. I don't know who he is, or where he is, or how old he is, but I'm gonna stop looking; as counter-intuitive as that is, I'm gonna trust that he'll find me. I'm done with test drives, trial runs, playing house and all the like. I'm holding out for the real thing. Wish me luck! Call me insane. It's like that Postal Service song... "I've got it covered in cans of food, filtered water and pictures of you, and I'm not coming out until this is all over"

meaninglessness

It's amazing to me the things we hold on to as people... My routine, my freedom, my friends, my motorcycle (which is running again!!), my singleness... My mom visited this last weekend and I was so happy to see her, but I had to deal with holding on to some of those things. The few days before it was a frenzy of cleaning, scrubbing, laundering, making sure that everything mum saw made her proud. Not that I'm normally a dirty person, just an organized messy type. The first night she was here as we were falling asleep, I had a little panic moment; I'm not used to sharing my bed or my space or my time frames, and I was overly worried about not encroaching onto her side of the bed. I had to remind myself that it's only a few days. I was shocked by the silliness of this because for two solid months I'd been looking forward to her visit. I love my mom and she gets me like no one else (but maybe a friend or two). The days, of course, passed by too quickly; she was my teaching companion, she watched 6.5 hrs. of teaching/rehearsing on Saturday and was actually interested :) we went grocery shopping and made dinners, and saw a movie... we broke a blender making humus and bought a new one. It was all the fun and good I knew it would be, then she left.
I love waiting at airports. The hellos are the best part of life; excitement, anticipation, so much highly wound energy. The goodbyes are much worse. I meet my mom inside for the hello, I drop her off for the goodbye... we both always cry and there are those looks that say way more than "I love you" or "I'll miss you" says. So last night, and this morning, I have to let go of that routine... of waking up and mum being here. Of having her to talk to through the morning routine or decide what to do with, or read a book with. I am so bad a letting go...
The irony of all this adjusting is that in the long run, it's meaningless. I love my mom and will love her no matter how many miles between us. We can talk or e-mail or facebook :) And my schedule ans space and bed and all of those things I shared are meaningless too because as anxious as I was about them being "disturbed" they were way better once they were... our ideas of good and normal and happy and so on and so forth are meaningless! So I guess I just keep enjoying what it looks like now no matter how much that may change in the next instant.