God's provision; where death means hope of life.

"Truly, Truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." (John 12:23-25)  Words spoken by Christ shortly before his death.  The death that would mean life-eternal for all who hope in Him. 
  I have been struck lately by the awesome mystery of living in an economy of grace where a God could bring about the best news by the death of His own perfect, blameless, eternal Son.  In what other world would the death of a King be a victory?!  If our greatest hope is delivered through Christ's death, what on earth could stand as a barrier in life?  If death can be turned into a victory, what in this life could become an obstacle? 
  But what good is a belief if it's not put into practice?  So God provides opportunities for me to question what I believe.  And I am a dramatic person;  I find impossible hardships places where most people might barely see a trial....
  It had been a long week of sleep deprived nights.  Another round of rocking, burping, and re-swaddling my youngest.  After 5 months of hoping for sleep, of falling asleep feeling the tension of expecting the next cry, of waiting for sleep to carry me under only to be pulled back up by another cry that I don't know how to help, I was tired.  I'd tried letting baby "cry it out" with no success.  I'm just not good at hearing a baby cry.  It's like torture.  Then the stomach flu hit.  Again.  It was the second time in two months that my second child had woken up in the middle of the night throwing up all over himself and his bed.  Bodily awareness is not his strength, so all through the EARLY morning we did rounds of throwing up, bed stripping, instruction in how to aim for a bowl or toilet, and repeat.  I was exhausted.  I had been begging God for sleep and instead, now I get to play nurse while homeschooling my oldest and nursing my youngest.  I pleaded with God the most common prayer - "why?"  What on earth could your Kingdom gain by my enduring this torture?  How can your gospel be spread by this discomfort?  In your sovereignty what life could possibly be born from this death (note the drama)? 
  I have to say most of the time answers to these questions take years if they're ever seen this side of heaven, but I received a loud answer that day.  As I sat in a puddle in my chair barely hearing baby crying swaddled in bed, knowing number two was in a resting pattern, I receive an encouraging response to a text from my mom; she is praying for me.  Minutes, I kid you not, minutes later baby stops crying.  He is asleep?! He just successfully cried himself to sleep?  Then down the stairs bounces number two child.  "I'm not sick anymore!"  The momentary pain of sleeplessness and sickness purchased the invaluable skill set of "self-soothing" for baby.  And it really was the fix.  He now knows how to put himself to sleep... Sure, we still get up at night, but we've not had one night since then of jack-in-the-box sleeping patterns where husband and I take turns rocking.  I had begged for one night's good sleep, God had answered with a skill set that offered good sleep for the rest of baby's life! 
  Herein lies the truth that allows us to offer up Eucharisteo in all things - the confidence that the God who can cause the death of His Son to be the best news for all, can take ANY trial on earth and turn it into life-giving good.  I realize that this is a baby step.  I have no doubt that I will again doubt the truth of this lesson; but today I will proclaim the truth.  Today I will set up an Ebenezer so that when tomorrows "death" hits me, I will not be carried under by the drama, but instead search expectantly for the life of Christ, the gift of good in all things.