bouncing blogs and babies

I've had all these blogs bouncing around in my head that have been screaming to be written and remembered, but then the baby always wakes up and requires a much more attentive sort of bouncing. So, here I am at the possible end of a nap time finally attempting to write and I almost can't decide which path to follow. But, confession is good for the soul and after avoiding the reading of some of my used-to-be-favorite blogs because of an over abundance of perfection displayed there, I think it's most appropriate to write about a recent eye opening.

I'm not as great at marriage as I thought I'd be (just like motherhood and adulthood and all the other things I thought I was so well equipped for). I struggle to remember that the purpose of marriage is God's glory, not my happiness; and what does God's glory in marriage mean anyways? Before you're married it means saving sex for marriage and not leading each other on or dating selfishly.... but what about after the I do's have been said?

Expectation kills relationships I have lived out. But how do you move forward without an expectation? You need a vision instead. I had forgotten. I have been praying that God would give me a vision of my husband; who is God making him and what role do I play in that? When you ask that, it makes your demands for happiness seem small. God's vision for my Husband vs. my vision for what my husband should do to make me happy.... right.

It was a series of conversations really that brought it all about. I was talking with a mother from Church about sleepless nights and busyness, and she recalled her life in that stage and how it had bonded her and her husband and suddenly I realized (you know how you can realize something you already know in your head, illuminated by a thought)that this was a very short season that someday Michael and I would look back on... duh, right? But for us, this is all we've ever known; him working a job, managing apartments, doing an internship, going to seminary.. and me with the kids all day every day without variation. But it won't always be like this.

Then there was his friends' family. Late, babies everywhere, a frightening diagnosis, and still happy and unflustered. I saw this man's wife and the joy in her face and thought about all they had stacked up against them and I saw so clearly what a help she was to him. We are all dealt our lumps of coal; was I my husband's lump of coal? That's not what I wanted to be...

Then the vision returned. It was just four months after we'd started dating. It was the Spring Banquet at the Reagan Library and I was sitting just behind Michael. I could hear the men singing so loudly and then the speaker powerfully challenging them and cautioning them. I remember thinking that it would be such a privilege to serve alongside this man; to support him. I heard his calling and for a point in time saw mine. I want to live with that vision. Regardless of where we go from this moment, I want to remember that moment. I want to see clearly God leading him and me following and supporting the way no one else can. And if I make demands, I want them to be demands for him to follow the calling he has received.