realizations

I know I'm geting closer to actual parenthood because of a shift of late. For a first trimester and a half I was so overwhelmed with my plan and the changes that had been forced on it. Of course I was worried about what would be best for this baby, but more commonly my thoughts tended toward myself. For me abortion was never an option. This is life hidden inside me, and I asked it not to be but it was and is. I now understand why so many people make the hard choice to kill. The other day (at a bar embarassingly enough) I mourned for Olive. I mourned over the kind of world I'm bringing her into. I mourned for her the lack of a family unit. I mourned for her a daddy to watch her enter the world; I mourned for her the ability to watch her daddy and mommy love each other and her teaching her what love looks and feels like. I mean, even if baby daddy is involved it won't be pretty... dual custody never is. Each parent thinks they're the ones doing it right and wants to be the favorite and baby usually hates mom because she has primary custody.

I was a daddy's girl growing up (until Hannah that is). I used to wake up early while my daddy was in the shower and go curl up by the shower door just so i could be near him. I have camping memories, singing the Christopher Robin song, I remember him carrying me on his shoulders, I remember watching him kiss my mommy and knowing we were all happy together... Olive will not know this. I will fight to keep her safe, I will fight to hide from her any arguing that her father and I may do (if he's involved), I will do all I can to be honest but hopeful for her...but the reality isn't very pretty. I mourn for her loss and she's not even born yet. I trust that a chance to experience life and the goodness of God in this life is worth any disfuction you may grow up in, but I feel so guilty for the kind of life I have to offer Olive. It's not one I would force on anyone, yet in a way, I guess I'm forcing it on her. Maybe it is a selfish choice to not concider adoption, but my heart wouldn't let me go there. So now I start to view the world through her eyes.. I have to trust that God's soverign grace in deciding to overide my b.c. to make this little person flourish inside of me will put grace around her to shield her from the reality I own.

May God bless her and keep her. May he make His face to shine upon her. May she walk in His grace.

Time Flies

I was shocked today when I looked at a facebook profile of a kid I used to babysitt. True, I wasn't too much more than a baby when I watched them the first time, maybe 11? Still, I watched them for some time. His baby sister took her first steps into my arms, and I played baseball and ghost in the graveyard, and dress-up (thought the boys won't own up to that one i bet) with them for years. I used to have visions of myself growing up near them, our lives intertwined; My wedding, thier graduations, first girl-friends.... then I moved 1,000 miles away. Somehow time kept flying by. He has a girlfriend, not sure if it's his first, but he says he loves her. I'm not married, and he probably won't even know about it if it ever happens. I remember him showing me his hockey gear the first year he played. He was so excited, and very awaire of his cup and how odd it was to have a hard crotch. lol, if only his girlfriend could watch that interaction...hahah.
Ryan Lutu told me once to never loose track of little Heather. How would big Heather look in the eyes of little Heather. Would she be respected or worshiped the way little kids do? Or would big H be someone little H resented, knew somehow to despise and avoid? My life didn't turn out as I'd planned. I thought I was moving away to dance and I was really moving away to kill myself; kill who I had been for 18 years, who I thought I'd be... Through the small choices into the huge choices, around the choices that seemed small and inconsequential enough to where and who I am today. 23, single, pregnant, dancer/teacher, some peoples' friend, my mother's daughter...
I remember when it happened, when I stoped dreaming about the future. I lost all hope of beauty and joy and just clung to survival. It took 3 years of emotional recovery from that point before I "planned" again. Those plans failed too. I don't know what hope looks like without dreams, I guess that's the flaw here. Plans and dreams are ALWAYS dissapointed, how do you find hope that doesn't let down ?
I just found it... Romans 5: 1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whome he has given us. "
So by suffering basically.. ugh! I guess I find myself lacking in character. I'll put that on my to-do list. Sorry to anyone who actually reads this, this is more of a rant than a blog; sometimes I need to write to process... the true conflict takes a while to make itself known to me and writing often acts as a catayst to that process. I need Hope. I need it badly. I don't like who big Heather is shaping up to be...

miserable

I can't tell you how miserable i've been over the last 3 days. My nose has been running like a leaky faucet; it just doesn't stop. I will die of dehydration soon I'm sure... I mean, how can a human body produce this much snot? I can't take allergy medication except for Benadryl which my Dr. also perscribes as a sleeping aid durring pregnancy. So i can look like a crack-head with a raw, red, runny nose, or I can look like a pot-head with eyes half mast unable to keep my head up... great! I've had allergy attacks before. Once I went hoarse from sneezing so much then had to baby sit quintuplets and thier 3 friends (with no voice). Oh, I was 15. : ) Another time my asthma flaired up and I had to sit over a cup of steaming black tea just to breath. Normally though, it's one bad day and then reprieve. I'm going on day 3 here with no signs of it letting up....will someone please cut my head off? Or cottarize my nostrils or something! I can't take it any more! So much for a nice vacation... pthth

Holy Spirit Movin'

So, I'm scared shitless of moving to LA. I will be alone there. I will be stuck there. I will be isolated and out of context. I still know it's the right choice. I was on the phone last night with my mum and daddy. I "listen" for Olive all the time now, somewhat subconsciously and somewhat intentionally. She had been quiet all day except for little flutters here and there practicing for 4 months from now. When Daddy got on the phone she started dancing, and kept it up the whole time I was on the phone with both Mum and Dad. She quieted down as soon as I was off the phone and when Mum called me back to tell a couple of stories she'd forgotten, Olive started right back up again. Now, I know this seems like silly re-assurance but here's the thing; remember the story of Mother Mary visiting her cousin Elizabeth? Elizabeth was carrying John (St. John the Baptist) at the time and he lept inside of her, this caused Elizabeth to prophesy and Mary to write a song of Praise recorded in Luke 1:46-56. I believe that the Holy Spirit enters our being early in the whole conseption process. King David wrote of this a few times in the Psalms (139:13-15 for instance) as does Jeremiah (Jeremiah 1:4-5). I think that deep cries out to deep, and the innocence of my Olive responds more clearly to the Holy Spirit in others than my muddled soul could hope to. In life I've learned to trust God for many things; money, living arrangements, food, a job. Those things have become easy to trust about for the mere realization that I have no controle no matter how much I worry about. Happiness, friendship, community, these things are still in the "not so sure" catergory. Mostly because in live I've been alone, depressed, and isolated before for long periods of time. I'm trying now to surrender this too. Pray for me.

rush hour traffic

so, i get that none of us wants to loose a child or lover or friend to a flu, but I'm pretty sure H1M1 was supposed to take out a few thousand people in the US alone. I mean, have any of you sat on the 5 in rush hour traffic lately? There are just too many people on this earth!! It took me an hour to get to the theatre on Friday; there was an average of 5 mph speed on BOTH sides of the freeway. I left LA because I hated being surrounded by that many unhappy people and now Portland is in a hot second to LA traffic. We need another killer flu or war or something horrible like that.
on a happier note, both my school's shows are done and they each did a great job! Yay girls and guys! On to Nutcracker :(

an anomaly

For all of my life I've been an anomaly. I was the only Christian Homeschooled ballet student at my studio...or maybe in existence, I haven't figured out yet. I've always been one of the only (non-musician) artist in a given church; Christians don't understand good art unfortunately even though it's reflecting God's own beauty and excellence. I'm too liberal for my theology and to religeous for my liberal friends. I can't find a good Christian man who's not bland and luke warm like the church has taught us to be... I can't find a good secualr man who knows the value and beauty of pursuing God with his whole self. My bizarre qualities have ended friendships, relationships, and made countless situations awkward. Now, my life is continuing its patern. I'm pregnant. and single. ugh!
I've always hated the dividing of single and coupled people, but it happens. No one wants to be a third wheel, so of course, couples hang out with couples so that no one is "odd man out". Then there's the singles. We rarely invite the coupled out because we know they'll say no. I mean really, all of them would rather be cuddeling on a couch watching TV or eating an intimate dinner than out hearing good beats and dance and drink and socialize. Most people (especially once they're coupled) see the "going out" scene as a means to an end; meet someone, be happy, leave the scene. I was the one friend who goes out when coupled, often without my other half. I guess it's because I don't use the scene as a way to pick my meat.
Then there's the parent squad. You see it all the time. I felt it when I babysat. People assumed Hadessa and Landon were mine, and they became nicer, softer, and almost treated me with pitty. These moms bind together like a MOPS team with such importance. I just can't see myself there. I understand the comradery of having the same job, like when I meet another dance instructor. But when it comes down to it, there are such differences in styles and situations I can't imagine blending in.
Well, oh well. Here comes anther wedge to sepparate me farther from the world, to make me more unique : ) I hope i survive!

The dreams continue...

so last night I had a strange dream (big surprise right?). I was still not looking pregnant but knew I was in labor. I wasn't really worried because for some reason even though I had only a small pooch, I knew I wasn't overly pre-mature. Labor was painless and fast. The baby was a boy ( I guess)... it was a cross between Curby and this little toy pig my cousin had back when I baby sat her. It was about 2 inches (smaller than my actual baby is now). Life went on and I named him Judah though some of my friends and family seemed surprised that I'd name this oddity what I'd planned to name my baby. My mom and dad were having an argument about something, some issue between the two of them, and off-handedly (sort of to get rid of me) told me it's normal, all babys look like that at first. When I nursed him or when he first woke up he would swell up like Curby right before he flys. Where does this shit come from? Someone please explain why pregnant women dream such odd things?