Time Flies

I was shocked today when I looked at a facebook profile of a kid I used to babysitt. True, I wasn't too much more than a baby when I watched them the first time, maybe 11? Still, I watched them for some time. His baby sister took her first steps into my arms, and I played baseball and ghost in the graveyard, and dress-up (thought the boys won't own up to that one i bet) with them for years. I used to have visions of myself growing up near them, our lives intertwined; My wedding, thier graduations, first girl-friends.... then I moved 1,000 miles away. Somehow time kept flying by. He has a girlfriend, not sure if it's his first, but he says he loves her. I'm not married, and he probably won't even know about it if it ever happens. I remember him showing me his hockey gear the first year he played. He was so excited, and very awaire of his cup and how odd it was to have a hard crotch. lol, if only his girlfriend could watch that interaction...hahah.
Ryan Lutu told me once to never loose track of little Heather. How would big Heather look in the eyes of little Heather. Would she be respected or worshiped the way little kids do? Or would big H be someone little H resented, knew somehow to despise and avoid? My life didn't turn out as I'd planned. I thought I was moving away to dance and I was really moving away to kill myself; kill who I had been for 18 years, who I thought I'd be... Through the small choices into the huge choices, around the choices that seemed small and inconsequential enough to where and who I am today. 23, single, pregnant, dancer/teacher, some peoples' friend, my mother's daughter...
I remember when it happened, when I stoped dreaming about the future. I lost all hope of beauty and joy and just clung to survival. It took 3 years of emotional recovery from that point before I "planned" again. Those plans failed too. I don't know what hope looks like without dreams, I guess that's the flaw here. Plans and dreams are ALWAYS dissapointed, how do you find hope that doesn't let down ?
I just found it... Romans 5: 1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whome he has given us. "
So by suffering basically.. ugh! I guess I find myself lacking in character. I'll put that on my to-do list. Sorry to anyone who actually reads this, this is more of a rant than a blog; sometimes I need to write to process... the true conflict takes a while to make itself known to me and writing often acts as a catayst to that process. I need Hope. I need it badly. I don't like who big Heather is shaping up to be...