realizations

I know I'm geting closer to actual parenthood because of a shift of late. For a first trimester and a half I was so overwhelmed with my plan and the changes that had been forced on it. Of course I was worried about what would be best for this baby, but more commonly my thoughts tended toward myself. For me abortion was never an option. This is life hidden inside me, and I asked it not to be but it was and is. I now understand why so many people make the hard choice to kill. The other day (at a bar embarassingly enough) I mourned for Olive. I mourned over the kind of world I'm bringing her into. I mourned for her the lack of a family unit. I mourned for her a daddy to watch her enter the world; I mourned for her the ability to watch her daddy and mommy love each other and her teaching her what love looks and feels like. I mean, even if baby daddy is involved it won't be pretty... dual custody never is. Each parent thinks they're the ones doing it right and wants to be the favorite and baby usually hates mom because she has primary custody.

I was a daddy's girl growing up (until Hannah that is). I used to wake up early while my daddy was in the shower and go curl up by the shower door just so i could be near him. I have camping memories, singing the Christopher Robin song, I remember him carrying me on his shoulders, I remember watching him kiss my mommy and knowing we were all happy together... Olive will not know this. I will fight to keep her safe, I will fight to hide from her any arguing that her father and I may do (if he's involved), I will do all I can to be honest but hopeful for her...but the reality isn't very pretty. I mourn for her loss and she's not even born yet. I trust that a chance to experience life and the goodness of God in this life is worth any disfuction you may grow up in, but I feel so guilty for the kind of life I have to offer Olive. It's not one I would force on anyone, yet in a way, I guess I'm forcing it on her. Maybe it is a selfish choice to not concider adoption, but my heart wouldn't let me go there. So now I start to view the world through her eyes.. I have to trust that God's soverign grace in deciding to overide my b.c. to make this little person flourish inside of me will put grace around her to shield her from the reality I own.

May God bless her and keep her. May he make His face to shine upon her. May she walk in His grace.