Christmas time is here

I love Christmas! I also really love understanding why. Why we say certain things like "knee high to a grasshopper" and "rule of thumb" lol. That said, I was thinking about all of the Christmas traditions and the "why"s behind them. I thought I would share a few. Probably you all already know this so feel free to stop reading at any time (as if under other circumstances you'd be obligated to read lol).

one think I don't know is the whole Silver bells thing. First of all, I don't think I've ever heard a silver bell. Brass maybe rung by a salvation army Santa Clause, but never silver. Anyways, the whole street lights blinking red and green thing is what started this whole line of thought. So, red and green are Christmas colors because of Christ. Red is the blood of Christ. We usually think of sweet baby Jesus in a little manger around this time of year and forget that even from the beginning before he was born or conceived, he was destined to be a sacrificial lamb... what a sad thing! I always wonder how much of this Mary understood. Green symbolizes life. The life given to us by the blood. They go hand in hand. That's also the point of the whole evergreen tree. It's always green and alive. It's a picture of eternal life through Christ.

Then there are the lights. There are two reasons for this. One very practical tradition is snow storms. Back in the day settlers would put candles in the windows as beacons of direction for anyone caught in a storm. Then there's the spiritual reason.
John 4:4-5 says, "In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not." speaking of Jesus. And again later in verses 9-11, "That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not. He came unto his own, and his own received him not."

Next is the whole candy cane thing which I'm sure we've all heard often enough to make us sick. Red= blood, White= purity, cane like the shepherds.. yadda yadda yadda.

Now a question, why the bulbs on a Christmas tree? And ornaments? I know people used to hang candy and gifts on trees and that was Christmas morning's surprises... so that explains the ornaments, but why the bulbs?

Anyhoo. Merry Christmas everyone!! And if you think about it, ask a "why" for me this new year :)

to remember this time

I feel like life is slowly flying past me (if that makes any sense). It's sneaky, I don't realize how fast it's going because one day feels very much like the last and it seems to take forever to get from Monday all the way to Friday, but somehow, 10 and 1/2 months have gone by since Olive was born, a year + has passed since I stopped dancing professionally and moved back to LA, it's been two months since I've seen my grandparents, and a whole month has passed since last time I was in Portland. So much has happened in my life and more drastically in Olive's life in that time that I don't want to blur into the fabric of daily passing of time.

Olive is ten months old right now. She has started to crinkle her nose when she smiles. She loves to clap for herself when she accomplishes a challenging feat. She can climb down from couches, beds, chairs, steps safely by going feet first (little whipper snapper!). She can walk, but is too fearful to go long distances unless she's pushing her dolly stroller or has a hand to hold. She has two teeth and has been working on more for weeks now. She LOVES to be outside. She always wants to watch the dogs and cats but pushes them away if they try to nuzzle up to her. She has a short attention span; she begs you to get her swing out then sits in it for 2 seconds before giving you her "all done" sign language (which also doubles for a please, a pick me up, a i'm sleepy, and an I'm hungry sign). She says "up" for everything, it goes hand in hand with her "all done" sign. She starts doing down dog when she's sleepy, and on a good day, if you ask her, "do you want to go night-night" she'll respond with aforementioned signs and word and happily go to sleep. She sadly doesn't sleep through the night yet. Zucchini is her favorite veggi. She doesn't like carbs near as much as I do. She LOVES her Papi. If he's home, no one else will do (and that's probably because no one else will do exactly what she wants exactly when she wants it- her little pinky does a lot of work wrapping Papi around it). She's started playing pretend with her animals and "reading" books to herself. She varies her voice which is how I know imagination has started to play a part; she'll talk small then high then loud then quiet. It's stinking cute! When she wakes up from a nap, she proceeds to play and then throw every item out of her crib; passy, stuffed animals, blankeys. When the crib is empty, she's sad and gets loud to inform me that she's ready to be picked up. I love her more than life itself. I would gladly give up my life ten times over for her benefit. I know that there are a lot of fights in front of us; both of us are stubborn and put up a good fight. I can't wait to see who she'll be in a month from now, a year from now, or in a decade.

The degradation of femininity

I have been thinking about this a lot of late. Partly because I am now responsible for the upbringing of a beautiful little girl into a beautiful woman, partly because for years now I've been involved in the fringe influence of young girls being brought up by their parents, and partly because on a daily basis I'm faced with choices and decisions that bring into question what I believe about beauty, strength, dignity, and above all femininity. I've been wrestling a lot with feeling plain or (to put it casually) less than beautiful. It used to be when I felt this way I'd go pay a butt-load to get my hair professionally cut and styled by someone I saw as stylish or sharp, or perhaps if this had been done too recently I'd just put on some makeup, style my hair, put together a cute outfit and go out dancing with a friend or to a concert to "forget myself" as I let the music and movement take me away... or so I thought. I'm realizing more and more as I observe the people around me that I consider strong and beautiful, the ones that I wish I looked like, that my view is skewed. This culture's idol's have slowly crept into my heart and effected my world view.

Sex has become a tool more obviously than ever in this generation of women. If you went back, say, 60-80 years, you would see women embracing their femininity while not flaunting it (arguably albeit). You would see men honoring women as worth protecting. You would see young men brought up to cherish and adore women and young women brought up to adore and support men. Now women use their "femininity" (viz. sexuality) to lure men, while men expect women to be the gatekeepers. Women have so stolen the reigns that it is now their job to initiate, define, and moderate relationships while (culturally) men take all they can till they're stopped when they either engage in the chase of pushing boundaries or loose interest and move on. Young girls are taught that sexy is beautiful, and not needing a man is strong. Songs like "single ladies", "to the left","maneater", "poker face" etc talk about heartlessness or untouchability as strength. Young young young girls are strapped into lude outfits and taught scandalous dances in dance studios around the world while daddy holds the cam corder and mom claps her heart out. Unless a mother is willing to jump back into the gym right after child birth and perhaps have some nip and tuck procedures, she is viewed as worn out and soggy. Just forget it if you look even a day over 45... No one remembers to explain that you are a slave to the master you serve. Sexuality will own you ounce for ounce as you use it. It is a selling of the soul.

Where is the beauty of generosity? Where is the virtue of self-control and self-sacrifice? Where is the lesson of using your body as the tool and temple of the Holy Spirit instead of as a tool for control and appetite? Why are we so early seeking to awaken the sleeping dragon of "love" that Solomon urges us to let slumber until the appointed time (Song of Solomon 2:7)? Why are we teaching our young daughters that their value is in the physical luster so easily lost to time and sorrow... We need to turn it around. It starts with me. It starts by my choosing to not complain in front of Olive about feeling fat or ugly or plain... by choosing to value her character over her cute face and smooth skin. It starts with me deciding to find contentment with what God has given me and not seek to feel secure by dressing a certain way or having a certain hair cut or even projecting a swaggering confidence in myself. I will choose instead to boast in Christ and Him crucified; to find my beauty in those parts of me that have succeeded in being like Him in His death and resurrection. Choosing to make even this broken body a slave to His mercy. Today the will is strong, but God help me for the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

Human tradition...

I love tradition. Christmas, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, birthdays... the mere mention of such holidays brings back a happy flood of memories held up by traditions of my family. I know from experience that without these traditions, the celebration for me is not complete or equally heart felt.

I was going to blog today to stand up against human tradition within the church; the substitution of God's decrees for man's expectations... I pulled out my Bible and researched the passages I thought would support my case; apparently God wanted to use my pride to teach me something : ) I do think, and know for certain, that tradition is the last thing of importance when talking about salvation. God doesn't need ritual to redeem. However... I grew up at a church that met in a school auditorium with chairs that were set up by a custodian, brown carpet on the floor and stage. I knew every face in the church. I was friends with most the girls regardless of if they were older than me or not. The biggest drama I experienced there was the time I talked behind my friend's back because she got to help out in the nursery more than I did... We sang mostly praise songs, very few hymns, but the worship was led by my parents and so was naturally the best in the world (note sarcasm in my voice). When we left this church it was with sorrow and pain. My family never found a replacement for that church. When I was 17 I chose a church. It was liturgical and sang hymns and smelled of age. Everyone knew my name and I led the cubbies on Wednesday nights. When I moved to Portland I chose a Reformed Presbyterian church. This was the most tradition laden church I'd ever been a part of.

That tradition slowly became a part of what the "church" experience "should" be for me. I am always let down when someone reads scripture publicly and doesn't remind us in solemnity that "This is the Word of the Lord" keeping from us the chance to exclaim, "Thanks be to God!". Communion doesn't seem quite communal enough when they just pass around Christ's body and blood(it actually strikes me as irreverent) in a fake gold pan. I long for the experience of joining in as one body to confess, repent of, and be reminded of our salvation from our sins. I long to walk purposefully, intentionally down the isle, taking hold of Christ's sacrifice for me (as represented in the bread and wine) singing our sorrow and thanks, receiving a reminder of God's blessing on me and my family, and partaking in this life giving experience with my fellow believers. All of these man made traditions are not mandates from God. He tells us to take communion in remembrance of Him but not the specifics of how.

The Bible tells us not to "forsake the gathering of the saints". For some this means going to church, sitting next to a stranger, forcing yourself to vulnerably close your eyes and sing along with a song that is repetitive, once a month eating bread and foul juice out of a fake gold plate, and maybe if you're a good person staying after to chat with your friends. For some this means meeting regularly with their friends who are fellow believers and talking about their life in light of their Savior if not in a church building. For some this means going to church 2,3,or even 7 times a week to pray, hear the Word read, and recite liturgy together with fellow attenders. Obviously, you can hear in my tone which I respect more, but in honesty I understand that tradition is important for us as people. It helps us feel like we're actually observing the Holiday of the moment weather we're talking about Christmas holiday or the Holy-day of the Sabbath. I was reminded in Romans (14) that it's not always about a RIGHT way of doing things ("nothing is unclean in itself but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean") but about honoring your conscience first before God and then making sure that your convictions (or more specifically lack thereof) don't cause sin of conscience in your brother.

It's a bummer for someone like me who has a few different memories of "right". I can stomach most styles of Lord's day services but they all leave me feeling like something is lacking. I guess it's good for me to remember that even if the observation looks different, the day is equally holy, and the One observed is equally worthy of honor.

Through the night

1:30AM, got into bed after a nice time with Mike. 2AM Olive wakes up to eat. 2:30AM Olive spits out her passy (aka binky) and wants it back. 3AM Olive has worked one arm out of her swaddle; I re-swaddle, re-binky and try to sleep again. 4AM Olive has worked BOTH arms out of her swaddle, pulled out her binky, and is talking to herself. 5:30AM still talking to herself (mind you, she would NEVER talk to herself for 1.5 hrs while we're all awake). I decide to take a peak and perhaps re-swaddle and binky; she has a blanket over her head, has wiggled her sleeping wedge to the top of the cradle and wiggled her body to the very bottom (I set her up at the bottom each night with her sleeping wedge to reduce the chances of SID) and has a blankey over her face... and she's just talking.... it's so strange to me that she'll pull a binky out of her mouth but won't pull a blankey off her face. 5:35AM I'm seriously regretting ever introducing swaddling or pacifying. 6AM I break down and let her into my bed, re-swaddled and binkied, so that hopefully she'll go to sleep and let me sleep. Success!! Until 7:45AM when she wakes for breakfast. They tell me someday I'll sleep.... for now I'll hold it as a blessed memory : )

so many styles

There are so many parenting styles out there! Attachment Parenting is one I first saw verbalized today... Parts of it I agree with and seem like common sense instinct to me, other parts seem a bit extreme. It's odd to me that parents who hold to this line of parenting also tend to be a "no negative reinforcement" bunch. Spanking is like a cuss word among this group. There is such a fine line it would seem between being sensitive to your baby's needs and letting your baby's desires run your life. Speaking as a mom with a strong willed baby, if I never let Olive "cry it out" or never gave her a negative response, she'd be up most of the day most days, and a screeching squealing little girl. I look into the eyes of my beautiful 5 month old and can see that already she's looking for approval or disapproval. She's searching for boundaries, curious about what we think. True, more often than not she can't quite figure out why we don't immediately trade to her team the moment she flashes a smile, but I know that already she's learned who to take her cues from... I agree with the bonding, attentive, sensitive nature of attachment parenting, but also acknowledge that we are born with a sin nature (see Psalm 51:5) which needs to be curbed.
The issue of the month for me is sleeping through the night. Since Olive and I share a room, I am there any time she fusses. She's established a schedule when she wakes to feed around 2AM and then wakes around 6AM to be transfered to my bed. Why does she need to move to my bed to continue sleeping? I don't know! I don't understand it at all. It was sort of sweet at first, like she missed me or just wanted to be close to me. Now I'm getting weary of catching 4 hrs of sleep at a time and waking up sleepy. I guess I'll just have to trust that God will grant me the patience and fortitude to last longer than this phase : )

Crying

I was doing my morning reading today (in Exodus ironically) listening to Olive cry in the background. We had a rough 15 hr stretch which she is currently (hopefully) sleeping off. Over the last 5 months I've learned more and more about Olive. Learned to interpret her cries and what they mean. Unfortunately, most often hers are cries of frustration; lack of self-control and patience leave her in a frustrated puddle more often than not. Sometimes that frustration if not dealt with by me escalates into a frenzy of panic on Ollie's part. She forgets what she was even crying about and is now simply panicked that she's crying and there's no one helping her.
Listening to her this morning I could recognize that she was mostly just bored and wanted to be entertained even though there was a whole slew of toys in front of her. She was a little frustrated that she was stuck in one place just sitting, with falling over being her only hope for change of location. I wonder sometimes how we sound to God. I wonder how often our frustration at lack of control over our situation or options available to us causes us to panic fearing that there's no one out there trying to help us or remedy our situation.
It's funny to me how often Olive's tantrums can be ended just by me moving myself to be next to her. That she can be comforted by my presence (or anyone else's for that matter). Nothing really has changed, the toys are the same, her position is the same, but she is not alone.
As I struggle to find some balance between letting her learn appropriate behavior by not rewarding her tantrums and being merciful to a small baby, I wonder how God decides to respond to our whining. Each time in the desert God answered them. Each time reminding them that He is faithful and merciful. "How long will I put up with you?" He asks them, granting what they need. I wondered today reading Exodus 17 if God had planned some other way for them to find water, or if He intended for them to cry out. I wonder if He waits for our cry sometimes or if by crying, we chose our way and negate another possible whine free option? If the Israelites had continued just a little while longer would there have been a fresh water stream just around the corner? Or sometimes, is the plan for us to cry all along so that God can show himself the loving father, caring provider, and patient sovereign?

rebuilding

I wrote this on a train in Dec of '06. I found it today while looking for some old pictures. I think it's fitting. It's sad how long it took for me to come around to this place with enough brokenness for it to come to fruition.


A symphony of colors
The harmony of view
Culminating in absolution
Of daily toils and dues

A moments' soulful stillness
In awe I catch my breath
This beauty gives me context
For my own point in your breadth

Emense and overwhelming
To try to grasp your "You"
"I AM", your best description
You alone are ever True

Within this strong-willed vessel
Is the willingness to please
And searching for my purpose
Your purpose for me succeeds.

Please use this broken vessel
If only for the ruder tasks
And renew me with Your mercy,
Rebuild the things I lack.

memories and such

I decided to treat myself today while I was out buying wipes; I went through the McDonald's drive thru for a mocha (and discovered they don't make them anymore) and ended up with a caramel frappe. Oh my gosh!

I remember working at Starbucks and having a mental patient regular ask us if we could "not put crack in (his coffee) this time". That's kind of what this frappe thing makes you thing. I was buzzing like crazy after only drinking half the drink. I wonder how much longer 'till the government outlaws sugar and caffeine combos : )

On a totally crack free topic... Olive is amazing (and driving me insane). She wakes up and is a gurgling smiling cutie pie. That lasts at best one hour. From then on she's a fussing, active, kicking, grabbing fuss budget. Happiness is a maximum 15 minute activity and most commonly found while being bounced or actively entertained. It's exhausting. For the first couple months she was great at sleeping a full 6 hrs at night and at least one 3 hr. nap during the day. We went 2 nights with little to no sleep who knows why. I think it's almost a level of development and awareness. During the day any time that she does happen to fall asleep, she is just too darn tuned in to voices and noises and wants to be included. So she wakes up and wants to be involved but is too sleepy to be enjoyable... my life. I have to say though, during that first hour of enjoyable wakefulness, she is super fun to watch. Her motor skills are improving so fast! She seems to be a lefty and almost always grabs with her left hand. She likes music and is starting to vocalize more and more. She says "ma" "ng" and "oooh" ... pretty interesting how we learn. She's started trying to bring toys up to her mouth; let the choking hazards begin. Olive is chewing on her own fingers, on my fingers, on her passy... on pretty much anything she's lucky enough to get to her mouth. She discovered that her feet can splash in the tub and loves to make a mess of it. I can't wait till there's more play and less fuss. I think I might actually enjoy motherhood when (if) that happens.

Haitian Horror

As a new parent I can only imagine the horror and panic the parents of the 4 American students who are missing in Haiti feel right now. To think you're sending your daughters on a relief trip where they'll pass out food and come home with boosted self esteem after realizing what good people they are for setting foot in a dirty third-world country, and then awake to the horror that you just sent her to a third world country that isn't prepared financially or organizationally for crisis...
Earth quakes are horrible. I experienced the CA quake of '92. I woke up as my mom pulled me into the door frame; I'd been vibrating down the hall she said. We were lucky enough to only see the destruction and not experience it first hand. I know it's scary and can imagine how horrified the parents in the states are.
Here's what I don't understand though: Did these parents not know Haiti is a third world country? Did they not know that acts of God like tornados, hurricanes, and earth quakes sometimes happen unexpectedly? Did they not know that Haiti is far enough away that rushing to their daughters' sides in an event might not be possible? My parents recognized this and I only moved to Portland OR. So if they are the average adult who is aware of all of these truths, then why are they so outraged? And more confusingly (I understand rage is an easier emotion than sorrow, and often is sorrow's mask) why is it the US governments job to be these girls' parents? Why should the US be responsible for finding their daughters any more than it is responsible to help the haitian citizens? US has the recourses to help and for that reason I think we should, but no parent has a right to be outraged that the government didn't protect their child in a foreign country; a child's protection is a parents job. I do know that the airport in Haiti is not in working condition, and the roads to it are impassible, but if someone should be going over to dig out those girls, shouldn't it be their fathers and brothers? Shouldn't it be the people who love them and feel a responsibility to protect and prosper them?
The constitution promises us the right to pursue our happiness; it doesn't guarantee our happiness. It promises to protect us from people who would threaten to take our right to pursue life, liberty, and happiness... not to protect us from ourselves or from nature. So ask the government to help, but don't act like it's their job to protect or raise your children. Be careful what you wish for, your wishes may come true... imagine a world where we're all parented by the government... yikes!
Again, my heart goes out to these families. What a hard thing to go through; just be careful at whom you point the finger.

for Godliness with contentment is great gain...

Every time I am close to being content and thankful, I check my facebook and it all goes crashing down. I see my portland friends living their (what used to be our) lives and being happy. The hardest to see I think is Polaris approaching a major break through (any of you reading this, go see them downtown friday and saturday as they perform iCHANGE). I thought I'd be a part of it, and here I am 1,000 miles away with a baby who's hungry but won't eat because it is a soothing experience that might make her sleep (and we all know how dangerous that sleeping business is).
I'm subbing which I should be thankful for, but then I see MY students on facebook and then I miss my "family". It's amazing what a difference it makes to teach someone whose life you're invested in as opposed to teaching some random kids.
My baby is beautiful, and humorous, and a gift from the Father... but then I see little Avery and wish they could be close and have baby play days.
I know now why my mom took down the pictures of me when I moved away... it's painful to be reminded of the ones you love when they're so far away. It hurts to remember who they were last time you saw them knowing that for all the moments and hours life has walked them down since that time they have changed.
Having two homes is a painful business. I guess loving is a painful business. Choosing what's best for Olivia brings me joy and contentment, but it sure is a hard choice.
The question of the hour of course is: "when are you coming back". As much as I ache for you all in Portland, it's so beautiful for Olive to have her grandparents close. They are so in love with her and she has benefited much from being near them in just these 8 weeks she's been here. I haven't closed the door, but I'm definitely waiting on God's voice for guidance. Until He calls me forward, I stand still. In the meantime, I'm going to improve my phone use skills and install skype. : )