"Let it be to me as you have said"

In my advent reading today I crashed through the line, "From the body that God gave to her, she gave to God a body."

My first response was slight offence; what a Catholic thought... that Holy Virgin Mary GAVE very God a body. How audacious. How presumptuous. As if any mere mortal sinner could give to God. But then I softened into the thought a bit. Every mother "gives" her child a body in that her body's being is used to make another's body. It is always the Almighty who knits them together, whether it was Olivia's body, Caleb's body, little Nathaniel's body (who had better give his mom a break and actually be born today), or the precious body of Christ, our sacrificial lamb... And that is the mystery. That God would do a holy work, with what faith filled humanity Mary had to offer.

One of my earliest visits to a Catholic service was New Years. The subject was Mary and being raised Protestant, I was a bit skeptical as to the subject mater. I was surprised to hear the priest say, however, that Mary is revered not because she is other than we, but because her obedient faith (a gift in itself) opened the way for the truth of Emmanuel to be clearly illustrated for us. The miracle that happened in 9 months time for her, is the same that we are called to live out for our entire lives. For God to be made manifest in my life is not of my doing, but merely of my surrendering and asking, "let it be to me as you have said". And as "God of God, and Light from Light, true God from true God" grew in her until Christ was born to the world, I desire that Christ be magnified in me until the glory of the gospel pours out from me into every crevice of life I touch.

I stand on the edge of huge change- I am days away from becoming a pastor's wife. I feel inadequate. I feel unprepared. I feel like my design is not compatible with the role I'm going to play. But isn't that the same mystery? Mary's design was not compatible with giving life to very God. But God used her frail dust-like frame, gave her a faith filled heart, and Hope was born from her. Oh, Lord! Let it be to me as you have said!

Clarity after a summer's rain.

I remember in Portland during the Summers, it would get so hot during a couple of weeks that we'd get these "air pollution warnings". Being a valley, I guess some pollution sort of collected in our air, and as things heated up the air would become dangerous to breath in... then it would rain. I love Summer rains! The smell of hot asphalt soaking up rain, the way it feels refreshing to get soaked, the fact that all the dust would settle and cake onto my car... then the clear open sky after the rain.

I feel like the last two years of my life has been like one of those summer days, where the heat of being a newlywed, a sleepless mom-of-baby, and a clueless mom of a preschooler has caused all the pollution in my heart to become so evident it made the air of my being dangerous to breath. I have felt clouded and thick. Toxic and abrasive. Ugly and unglorifying. I feel like over the last two weeks, it has started to sprinkle. The muck in my heart having been heated and swirled is now being wetted, cooled, and settles once again; I would be naïve to think that it had gone away completely, but I am hopeful that it has been cleaned out a bit. I'm not sure what brought it on. Perhaps just time. Maybe the fact that Caleb has tried sleeping through the nights a couple of times in the last months. I suspect it may be linked to the privilege I've had of subbing some dance classes these last weeks... either way I'm so grateful for this moment of clarity.

The other day I had a sort of vision of myself as I am made, and beside her, this person I felt I was supposed to be. A sort of mask I've been making myself wear because of perceived expectations of certain people and places in my new life. I saw how ridiculous this was because first of all, in the two years I've been that other person, it has gained me no love, friendship, or favor with the people I was trying to appease. Secondly, they were my own assumptions of what these people wanted from me. My judgments of them playing out as self-condemnation when in reality, I didn't know any of these people well enough to speak for them and neither should I be living in such a way as to please them... It has been a long time since I felt I had anything worth saying or writing about. A long time since something moved me to say it another way or to add my voice to the chorus of hosts, both earthly and heavenly, seeking to proclaim truth and vibrate with the cords that are always and ever sounding out. In the last two weeks I've had a couple of those days though, so finally today I have a chance to put it down.

From My Utmost for His Highest today:
"With every new proposition other people get more and more 'out of it' that is where the strain comes. God allows the opinion of His saints to matter to you, and yet you are brought more and more out of the certainty that others understand the step you are taking. you have no business to find out where God is leading, the only thing God will explain to you is Himself. Profess to Him-'I will be loyal.' Immediately you choose to be loyal to Jesus Christ you are a witness against yourself. Don't consult other Christians but profess before Him- I will serve Thee. Will to be loyal-and give other people credit for being loyal too."

This loyalty is what I need to strive for in my life. I need to learn to trust that no matter where God is leading me, or my husband, or the people I encounter in the church... He is showing us Himself. I would rather see God than offer "burnt offerings" of socially acceptable behavior, well behaved children, or daily doing what I think is the expectation of my role in life. I am reminded today that no act of my own, weather done in fear, or worship, or duty, can make me more acceptable to God or more worthy of crawling into His presence. The blood of His son has already brought me to that place of worthiness; all I need to do is come, and He enables me to do that by his grace, not my compliance to other's expectations (much less my inferred expectations).

Thank you for today's clarity. Grant me the grace to walk in the light of this truth even when my pollution clouds my vision.