Victory

I have performed before hundreds, I have driven a motorcycle, I have been a passenger in a race car, but few things in life have given me the thrill that successful partnership with my children has given me.  The moments that Olivia and Caleb came into the world were two of the most victorious moments in my life.  Few things in life come close to the feeling of accomplishment that accompanies labor.  Today was another victorious motherhood moment.  We had our first day of success homeschooling first grade; It was awesome!  I was humbled as I considered that my parents had shared this same experience years before as they parented me; and I know what all followed.  Children can be your highest high, and your lowest, gut-wrenching low.  I know the ride I took them on, especially the concentrated agony about 13 years later.

I am tempted to see today's moment of euphoria as a delusion caused by idilic perspective.  Unrealistic.  But then I am reminded that it is ALL good gift.

I write this to Mamma Heather 2028.  It was real.  The good was really good.  And... the same good God that gave you those blissful moments gives you this harder one.  Even the most grace filled child carries the most agonizing pain in the faithful loving of them.  It's still good if I can surrender it to Christ in thankfulness.  The wounds are faithful.  It is a real pain, this cutting back of the "sap suckers" that allows for good healthy growth.  Surrender to it thankfully.  Thankful for the sweet of then and the sharp of now.

And to my own mamma, I'm sorry.  Thank you for entering into the pure goodness of those sweet moments with me as a child.  And thank you for bearing in your body the sufferings of Christ as you prayed the moments of failure into battlefields of unyielding, faith-birthing grace.  And thank you for sheepherding my heart even now as I begin my own journey of motherhood.  I love you.

Deep crying out to Deep

There is this Psalm, 42:7 to be exact, that says, "Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls..." As a dancer and artist, I have spent much of my life pursuing the call of deep to deep. I have felt the thrill as I have come into contact and friendships with people who's "deep" have resonated with my deep.

I'm not sure if I was hollowed out in my youth by cherishing my own mother's depth, or if I cherished her depth because it mirrored what i felt in my own soul. Either way, from a young age I would dance with passion and deep feeling to the mournful gushing of Fur Elise played by my Daddy, swelling with its hopes and groveling with its disappointments. I always thought that this understanding, this resonating, this accepting was what that phrase meant, "deep calls out to deep." Like the deep in me calling out to the deep in you.

It came up in Bible study a couple weeks ago. That our deepest cries, be it of hurt or sorrow, anger or confusion, could be answered by the depth of God. And for whatever reason this was rolling around in my head the other day as I prepared in the morning (doesn't every moms' best thoughts happen in the bathroom?). "Deep cries out to deep," and a whisper followed it, Isaiah 11:9 "for the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the LORD as the waters cover the sea". The overlapping of these two word pictures nearly brought me to my knees as I realized that the next phrase of Psalm 42:7 actually says, "all your breakers and your waves have gone over me". It was right there all along! The deep had always meant not to resonate, but to be filled! He hollows out that He might fill! Oh! How could I not have seen? Our destiny is not to be a canyon calling out to the Deepest of Canyons, but as the waters cover the deep, as a bride is filled with her husband, as the nature of liquids and gasses are to defuse and spread... all holes are made to be filled. There is not a wound that has ever been allowed without the hope and promise that God himself would fill that hole for those found in Him.

I see it again on the sermon on the mount, "blessed are those who hunger, for they will be filled," and "blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted". I had always been blinded by what it meant to comfort and filled in this world, but since when did Jesus ever talk about things with a focus to this world's systems? It's a far greater promise made here and I almost can't believe it.

As I am seeing more clearly every day that we live in such a broken, fallen, crying out in the pains of child birth world. But AH! what a hope we have. Not that "it will all work out alright", or "what will be will be" or even "it is what it is". Unbelievable thought, we are being preparedto be filled. Let those breakers and waves crash over you even today. What a great and gracious God we serve!

the preparation of faith

"you are so young to have experienced so much stripping" she said, validating my feelings and renewing my concern over what I'm being prepared for. If it's an early exit from this world I'm ready, but I fear it is preparation for more sacrifice...

I was reading in Romans today about Abraham and his righteousness. It made me think more about his story and how when asked to offer up his only son through whom the promise was to be fulfilled he didn't hesitate. He considered that God could raise him back from the dead. How did he get there? How was that answer on hand so thouroughly that he didn't have to deliberate or pray or wrestle in fear and anguish?

Because of the previous 25 years of waiting and messing up.

oh man! 25 years! He had learned through God's provision, correction, direction, and patience that HE is faithful. So that when Abraham was asked to offer up Isaac, he knew the one in whom he trusted. And I want to be one who trusts the love of my Father's hand so much that I will fearlessly offer up anything He takes, but what a grip I have on this little world I've been given. And the truth is, He has provided! I have learned to appreciate kinesthetics more I think now that I don't dance daily. I have learned what a joy it is to have my two babies more fully. I have learned what a gift it is to have a family close and dear and understanding. I have seen that they are all provisions from His hand and that is not to mention all the physical gifts He's poured on me. And I suppose all of this just goes to show that I am like the servant who "knows" that he is a "hard man" burying his gifts... and from him they were taken and given to the faithful servant (Matthew 25:14-30). Lord, have mercy! I believe. Help my unbelief!