paterns

AS I was listening to Pandora.com doing my AM workout routine, perfectly content as sunlight streamed in my appartment window I realized... I'm always content this time of year. I'm usually in a relationship, and always happy. In November it's been my patern of late to have a breakup or if the relationship does survive to the following summer then there's at least severe upheaval.. Jan/Feb brings new romance.. Summer contentment, winter upheaval. This November I'll be having the most painful "upheaval" and "breakup" i've ever experienced; my baby will be divorcing my body and discovering its own. This Spring I'll fall in love with baby more and more as it recognizes faces and voices and places and colors a little more each day. Summer will bring bliss as baby and i will (hopefully) be a bit more mobile.
Maybe baby will end my tumultuous relationship cycles and bring stability. I'm tired of November break-ups.

The future

Up until this weekend I was so consumed with what my future is becoming that I hadn't put a second thought into what I used to think my future would look like. Until this weekend. Shit!
I mean really! I'm a planner. I'd been waiting for YEARS to turn 24 so that the government would stop looking at my parents' money (which wouldn't help me) so that I could get sufficient financial aid to go to college without dying of debt. I guess the upside is that a 24 year old single mom gets even more financial aid (right?). Saving for some space of my own (pah! that's funny!). Gaining a few more years of Director's experience : lighting, tech, etc so that by 2012 I could be my own director or at least know for sure that I never want to be one : ) Then, somehow, with perfect timing, while all of this was falling neatly into place, I would meet Prince Charming : ) my family would love him, my friends would adore him. by the time I was done with school we'd be ready to have babys...bah!! i'm actually laughing right now. (i hope you are too)
My only hope is that my Father knows better than I do what my best possible future is; that since I was as little as my baby is today (4.5 inches btw) that He had a plan for me. A plan to prosper me, and that He's not checked out now. *sigh* realizing that you have no controle over your life is a crazy feeling.

prego stories...

This story is not for the easily disgusted...in fact, Maco, stop reading now : )
The second trimester is God's gift to pregnancy I'm sure. I no longer need a 2 hr nap in the middle of each day, I can eat a little less cautiously, since nausia is lessening.. It's amazing! I have loved not vomiting once or twice a day... which brings me to my story.
Some things still trigger the stomach; strong smells are one, not eating with enough frequency is another. I had had a great day and came home about 12:30 (which would have been impossible two weeks ago) to find a gift from Marley to greet me... It wasn't that bad, just the normal vomiting except...i had to pee!!! well, that didn't last long. The pregnant woman's bladder is such a fickle thing. Some days I can pee every 30 minutes and never be good to go while days like today I can be out on Sauvies miles from a restroom and just fine for 5 hrs. Oh well. I'm gonna do my best to not vomit or pee myself again any time soon... : (

Growing up in the 21st century

I was pondering the other day the advice our parents give us. When i was as young as 12 my mom always told me, "I went from being the daughter of my mother to the mother of my daughter. Take time to be just you". Sage advice it seemed. So for the last 7 years I've been just me (more or less). Now I find that with myself as with many other single 20-somethings we are aboundingly selfish and self-consumed. It's not our fault really, it was the advice we were given more or less. I wonder for those of us who followed this path if we will suddenly learn to be selfless and die to our desires and preferences once we meet "the one", or once we have kids for that matter. I regularly see mothers in Starbucks who still haven't learned to shut up and listen yet.. their toddler is interupting their cell-phone conversation asking insatiably for affection, attention, and love meanwhile mum keeps ignoring while sipping ther perfect non-fat foam off her sugar-free vanilla late. Is it worth it? For the selfish one i'm sure it is, if someone else is somehow able to cleave to them dispite their (our) selfish tendencies. But what about for her child? I guess that's why we have public schools now where the teachers are the nurturers and true child raisers... if only the selfish knew what we were missing out on!
The other generational myth I'm analizing is the whole date around syndrome. It starts as young as Jr. High for some students though I didn't get my first kiss 'till I was 18. As a kid, you know you're not going to be with this person forever, in fact it often lasts only as long as the first fight. Then we move on...and on... and we bind a little more strongly each time trying to reassure ourselves that this is love... that this time I am in love, that I even am acapable of being in love. but still, we move on again. So, again in this situation, how often do we suddenly change when we meet "the one"? is there even a ONE? for each of us? My parents married when my mom was 20 and pregnant... they are the most in love people I know even though it's no the Disney story we all hope for. My Grandma was fresh out of highschool....she had to get written consent from my great-grandma. My grandparents are more in love now than ever before. So maybe we have it wrong. Maybe it's easier or better or more noble to discover who you can be with this other person or in this situation rather than discovering who you are on your own two feet. My Daddy always said my problem was that I wanted autonomy not independance... I realize now that I want freedom to be spontaneous, but I want someone by my side who wants to do it with me.
I think my advice to my little one will be more along these lines. You can be great in many situations. Single, coupled, married, as a parent or teacher or wanderer. Don't think that any one of these situations defines you, or that you need one specifically to be truely you. Find yourself in Him in all situations. Even if you're alone, be selfless. If there's someone to edify then be edified by the mutual edificaion you can achieve together. Always love.

Romantic Thoughts

I had Sarah McLaughlan's song "Do What You Have To Do" stuck in my head today and decided to listen to it to get it out of my head... I liked her alot when I was 18, but now... anyhoo, It was a total flashback:
Walking downtown Portland, with my big parka (I still have it btw) and my ipod with one ear phone in (I was rather wary of being jumped) blasting sad love songs. Of course, it was about Evan Jones. I was sure when my family disowned me that love would make everything right again...little did I know the kind of love that it would take to fix my situation then. He'd come back from basic changing his tune from "I love you, I want to marry you, I can't wait to kiss you on our wedding day" etc. to "I just can't be with you right now" (I love the right now clause...it keeps the booty open for future booty calls just in case either of you gets desparate). I didn't get it. It was my first time around this marry-go-round that I now know so well. I thought he'd meant what he said before, and I thought maybe after Afghanistan he would be ready to be with me for real...Sad, sad little Heather.
The next time I dove that far head-over-heals it was for my best friend's cousin. Since then I've become jaded and resentful of other's true love. I wonder, fearfully, if that giddy feeling should be avoided due to the stupid things it can inspire, or if it should be embraced as a rare and priceless gift? not that my heals are over my head at just this moment, just prepairing myself for the hopeful eventuality. Or maybe that's a thing of youth and ignorance and I won't ever encounter it again...
Another thing: could someone please convert a beautiful, socially fluent, motivated, supportive person, I'm pretty sure the church has either married them all off or outlawed them...not sure why but either way. Oh, and could they be ok with someone who's had a baby with a fling? Great! Thanks!

ugh

I'm having a day... you know those days that you just won't be satisfied? I feel like a total alien, and there's nothing I can do about it. The church I've been attending for 5 years still isn't home to me, not one person there besides Erin and Brent know my name and no one cares. There was a family visiting for a few weeks who had a trauma and the church is now totally involved (don't get me wrong, the church is doing what they should always do in this case) . The think that gets selfish me is that not a soul there cares about my trauma. It's as though I am not a valuable member of that society because I don't have a husband or child (yet). 5 years! I took communion and shouldn't have... I was having second thoughts anyways because I feel like communion should be enjoyed with "family". The blessing I was given was, "this is the body of Christ broken for you"... I wanted to say duh! Could you give me something more? Something I haven't had memorized since I was 6? Could you truly bless me with a truth like, This is Christs body broken for you, his blood covers your sins of promiscuity, and adultery, you are clean child.... but no, no one there knows me...
I didn't go to Polaris because I knew that in that mood, I'd feel like an alien from Mars there. I'm out of so many loops these days...
I drove to Vancouver to buy myself consolatory "cheesy bread" and they were closed. Closed! Come on! what's the point of living in a pagan society if you can't have stores open on Sundays?!? We have no holy days people, we're America, the land of self-worship! I was peeved.
Either way, my day is over early. I thought I had #3 rehearsal, but it was canceled since the OBT school show is today. I have to do laundry for Utah, and go shopping, and pancake my shoes, and sew an extra pair in case...ugh! All I want to do is eat cheesy bread and sleep. : (

Stuff

Time has come to a slow crawl... kept track of only by weekends (dreaded weekends). I love the sun, but every time it comes out there's a small bit of resentment in me knowing it's just a tease and will be gone again soon for longer than it was here. I'm ready for summer. I sold my motorcycle, but at least I can still take my hard top off and feel the wind in my hair. I want summer!!