Through the night

1:30AM, got into bed after a nice time with Mike. 2AM Olive wakes up to eat. 2:30AM Olive spits out her passy (aka binky) and wants it back. 3AM Olive has worked one arm out of her swaddle; I re-swaddle, re-binky and try to sleep again. 4AM Olive has worked BOTH arms out of her swaddle, pulled out her binky, and is talking to herself. 5:30AM still talking to herself (mind you, she would NEVER talk to herself for 1.5 hrs while we're all awake). I decide to take a peak and perhaps re-swaddle and binky; she has a blanket over her head, has wiggled her sleeping wedge to the top of the cradle and wiggled her body to the very bottom (I set her up at the bottom each night with her sleeping wedge to reduce the chances of SID) and has a blankey over her face... and she's just talking.... it's so strange to me that she'll pull a binky out of her mouth but won't pull a blankey off her face. 5:35AM I'm seriously regretting ever introducing swaddling or pacifying. 6AM I break down and let her into my bed, re-swaddled and binkied, so that hopefully she'll go to sleep and let me sleep. Success!! Until 7:45AM when she wakes for breakfast. They tell me someday I'll sleep.... for now I'll hold it as a blessed memory : )

so many styles

There are so many parenting styles out there! Attachment Parenting is one I first saw verbalized today... Parts of it I agree with and seem like common sense instinct to me, other parts seem a bit extreme. It's odd to me that parents who hold to this line of parenting also tend to be a "no negative reinforcement" bunch. Spanking is like a cuss word among this group. There is such a fine line it would seem between being sensitive to your baby's needs and letting your baby's desires run your life. Speaking as a mom with a strong willed baby, if I never let Olive "cry it out" or never gave her a negative response, she'd be up most of the day most days, and a screeching squealing little girl. I look into the eyes of my beautiful 5 month old and can see that already she's looking for approval or disapproval. She's searching for boundaries, curious about what we think. True, more often than not she can't quite figure out why we don't immediately trade to her team the moment she flashes a smile, but I know that already she's learned who to take her cues from... I agree with the bonding, attentive, sensitive nature of attachment parenting, but also acknowledge that we are born with a sin nature (see Psalm 51:5) which needs to be curbed.
The issue of the month for me is sleeping through the night. Since Olive and I share a room, I am there any time she fusses. She's established a schedule when she wakes to feed around 2AM and then wakes around 6AM to be transfered to my bed. Why does she need to move to my bed to continue sleeping? I don't know! I don't understand it at all. It was sort of sweet at first, like she missed me or just wanted to be close to me. Now I'm getting weary of catching 4 hrs of sleep at a time and waking up sleepy. I guess I'll just have to trust that God will grant me the patience and fortitude to last longer than this phase : )

Crying

I was doing my morning reading today (in Exodus ironically) listening to Olive cry in the background. We had a rough 15 hr stretch which she is currently (hopefully) sleeping off. Over the last 5 months I've learned more and more about Olive. Learned to interpret her cries and what they mean. Unfortunately, most often hers are cries of frustration; lack of self-control and patience leave her in a frustrated puddle more often than not. Sometimes that frustration if not dealt with by me escalates into a frenzy of panic on Ollie's part. She forgets what she was even crying about and is now simply panicked that she's crying and there's no one helping her.
Listening to her this morning I could recognize that she was mostly just bored and wanted to be entertained even though there was a whole slew of toys in front of her. She was a little frustrated that she was stuck in one place just sitting, with falling over being her only hope for change of location. I wonder sometimes how we sound to God. I wonder how often our frustration at lack of control over our situation or options available to us causes us to panic fearing that there's no one out there trying to help us or remedy our situation.
It's funny to me how often Olive's tantrums can be ended just by me moving myself to be next to her. That she can be comforted by my presence (or anyone else's for that matter). Nothing really has changed, the toys are the same, her position is the same, but she is not alone.
As I struggle to find some balance between letting her learn appropriate behavior by not rewarding her tantrums and being merciful to a small baby, I wonder how God decides to respond to our whining. Each time in the desert God answered them. Each time reminding them that He is faithful and merciful. "How long will I put up with you?" He asks them, granting what they need. I wondered today reading Exodus 17 if God had planned some other way for them to find water, or if He intended for them to cry out. I wonder if He waits for our cry sometimes or if by crying, we chose our way and negate another possible whine free option? If the Israelites had continued just a little while longer would there have been a fresh water stream just around the corner? Or sometimes, is the plan for us to cry all along so that God can show himself the loving father, caring provider, and patient sovereign?