Winter Coats

It's finally starting to think about getting cold here. LA never actually gets cold mind you. Pretty much any day of the year if you can find a spot in the sun you can sweat it out... I hate that about Christmas day here; it's always sunny and always hot. :( Still, it actually rained yesterday. I love the rain! And if you can find a spot out of the sun :) it's a little chilly.

It all reminded me of a walk in Portland I took about 3 years ago. My mom had gotten me this jacket for Christmas. She was so uncertain if I would like it. It was one of those buys where she was so sure before and then had total buyers remorse and self-doubt after. Well, needless to say I loved it. I think I loved it even more so because of the uncertainty it gave her. I loved that she cared if I liked it or not, and I loved being able to reassure her that I did. This particular night walk I'm remembering was in Jan. or Feb. I'd gotten home from work and Marley needed her walk. It was the best kind of pleasant cold. The jacket and scarf are so warm and the air is just cold enough that you want to keep your hands in your pockets... I remember chatting on the phone with her telling her how much I appreciated that jacket right then, and how I loved that reveling in it's warmth reminded me of how much she loved me. I am a sentimentalist. I appreciate the thought behind the gift way more than the gift. I therefore have quite a few gifts that cause the same affectionate reminiscence.

I realized the other day as I was busy feeling sorry for myself, complaining about so many little things, that I was actively overlooking a million of those types of little gifts handed down to me by the Giver of all good gifts. Instead of complaining about my cold face or cold hands, the jacket caused me to revel in my warmth given to me out of the affection of my mother causing the purchase of a jacket. Why can I not instead of complaining about my lack of friendships or relationships revel in the warmth of familial affection and possible friendships on the horizon? I have so many sweet gifts given out of such deep seated affection. Why not revel in that instead of self-pity?
a few of my more frequently appreciated gifts: my baby girl, music to connect with self, others, and God, and the gift of discovery....

far off dreams

As a female, I have fantasized about a proposal, a ring, and a wedding my entire life. Now, even though I have imagined quite a few different versions of these things, I can't truly fathom that any of these will ever happen... it's strange to me because I've even dated guys that at the time I was sure was "the one" but even then I couldn't truly ever see it happening; it was just a far off dream. I realize that this is much the way I view redemption as well. I can fantasize about the idea of being saved, cleansed, redeemed, loved, as a part of the bride of Christ, but I can't really fathom it. I have moments of realization when I know that this truth is applied to me but I can't grasp it. Sometimes it's unbelievable to me that I've been given the Holy Spirit as the mark of His love for me, much like a bride wears her engagement ring.... He is coming for me! He has clothed me in (His own) righteousness! I am His and He is mine! He has known me and I will come to know Him continually more until I see him as He is. The great I AM. Emanuel. What would my life be filled with if I could hold on to the truth that I am LOVED by the eternal one? And in turn, that each person I come into contact with deserves at least that amount of love from me. What things would I chose to dwell on and in? What things would I put before my eyes and what would come out of my mouth? What humility and grace would I offer to others?
*sigh* at least for this moment I'm holding onto this vision.