biodegradable

Life is slowly chipping me away. It finally got to a point today that felt good. I woke up, ate breakfast, read. By then the house was mine so I played around on the piano. Took the dogs for a walk (probably the shortest walk of their life). Sat listening to music, watching my animals, and remembering me up to 3 years ago. Seeing my mistakes, my selfishness; missing people and things I'd thrown aside for my inability to bear the pain of keeping them. The funny part is while it was a breaking down, and a sorrow in a sense, it didn't hurt at all. It's kind of like the feeling after a run, or a good cry when everything feels a little cleaner. I don't think I regret the choices I've made, but I certainly wonder if life will circle me around to familiar places again. Of course there are mistakes I would appologize for. Hypocrisy, judgement, selfishness, keeping myself from people (one especially) for fear of being lost in the giving, of coming up with the short end of the stick.

I'm so good at keeping busy so that I don't have to feel or think. I was doing it consciously at first, but then it kept doing me when I should have stopped. Life has brought me to a stand still so that the last few years worth of erosion has time to drop from my facade, leaving me bare and naked with who I am today.

I think being home puts a funny spin on it all too. The simplicity of childhood mingled with the experience of adulthood. It would be hard to grow into adulthood living at home. Life sort of stops externally and cascades internally... strange.

I'm going to take a nap. : )

Attonement Child

just read this book, "Attonement Child". It was sweet, moving, and an easy read. The problem is? It's not true... the harsh realty it addresses about abortion and the pain of loss and all of that are true, but things don't just fall into your lap. Just because you make the "right choice" God doesn't reward you with a magic doctor who's willing to do it all for free, or a great guy who wants to marry you and support you, or even a ready answer to all your fears. I have two months and I need answers and results... how am I supposed to do all of this???

sigh

are you joking me!?!

so, I know LA has a lot of poor people. I am now one of them. I cannot for the life of me find resource centers for us poor people. Portland is amazing! There's sliding scale accupuncture..good stuff too! And crisis pregnancy centers that have lists of health care options for us poor folk. I can't even find a crisis pregnancy center within 20 miles of my paretns' home! Rich people's kids need help sometimes too LA! And that's the joke here, my parents aren't even rich; our great-grandma made the down-payment on this house for us before she died, so we just live in a rich demographic. I'm kind of freaking out! Olive is gonna be here in 10 wks and I don't have insurance for her, nor do I have any feasible options for healthcare without insurance... I REFUSE to work at Starbucks again just for benefits... ugh!

I am so frustrated by my inability to do anything for myself anymore. I tried to help wash my uncle's truck yesterday and got overheated and had to take a nap instead... realy? for 10 more weeks i'm going to be useless? LAME! I couldn't even carry the cat food bag to the checkout counter 'cause 25 lbs is too heavy for a pregnant lady. arg. For someone who's been taking care of herself for about 5 years, this sucks! I'm not good at sitting around. Pray that God will give me patience. Or shut off my brain for the next few months or something.