biodegradable

Life is slowly chipping me away. It finally got to a point today that felt good. I woke up, ate breakfast, read. By then the house was mine so I played around on the piano. Took the dogs for a walk (probably the shortest walk of their life). Sat listening to music, watching my animals, and remembering me up to 3 years ago. Seeing my mistakes, my selfishness; missing people and things I'd thrown aside for my inability to bear the pain of keeping them. The funny part is while it was a breaking down, and a sorrow in a sense, it didn't hurt at all. It's kind of like the feeling after a run, or a good cry when everything feels a little cleaner. I don't think I regret the choices I've made, but I certainly wonder if life will circle me around to familiar places again. Of course there are mistakes I would appologize for. Hypocrisy, judgement, selfishness, keeping myself from people (one especially) for fear of being lost in the giving, of coming up with the short end of the stick.

I'm so good at keeping busy so that I don't have to feel or think. I was doing it consciously at first, but then it kept doing me when I should have stopped. Life has brought me to a stand still so that the last few years worth of erosion has time to drop from my facade, leaving me bare and naked with who I am today.

I think being home puts a funny spin on it all too. The simplicity of childhood mingled with the experience of adulthood. It would be hard to grow into adulthood living at home. Life sort of stops externally and cascades internally... strange.

I'm going to take a nap. : )