A Wedding

I went to a wedding yesterday. Two of my long-time, home schooled friends. It was beautiful; I was awkward. It's a strange feeling to watch peoples faces as they see you and then your 8+ month pregnant self after a 5 year absence. You can see the list of questions, the curiosity, the shock, and sometimes even a twinge of guilt for the judgement they so quickly passed and wished they could take back...

My mom had seen an old friend of mine a few days back and he'd asked with innocent curiosity why they hadn't seen me around. Her response was that she wasn't sure if I wanted to hang out with old friends... this is somewhat misleading, but it led me down a path of thought and analysis. Mostly, I just don't run in any circles where we would bump into each other anymore; I'm obviously not still in h.s. and I don't go to their church, so those two primary bumping spots are out. Another more painfully obvious reason is probably the most true though, and this reason chased me around the whole wedding and reception.

Imagine your most private sin. Now, sin in general is addictive, especially when hidden; there's something desperate and compulsive about something you don't want to BE but somehow end up doing. Like many closet drunks or early junkies, mine was an embarrassing enslavement; one that I'd tried to elude for some time but somehow always fell back into.

Now, imagine that sin having a physical manifestation. It can be whatever you like... C.S. Lewis described it as a shoulder puppet in one of his books...one that did all the owner's talking for it and grew till you could only see the puppet and no longer the man to whom it "belonged". You could see it as a cancer growing for everyone to see. My manifestation is a huge belly. Now, don't get me wrong; Olive is not my punishment, or my judgement, but is a great gift from the Father of Heavenly Lights; she is an example of redemption...still, everyone who saw me knew. I'm here, living with my parents, because I got myself knocked up by someone who is first: not my husband, and second: not in the picture. I'm not starting my family, I'm not taking the next step... I don't even know what comes next!

Imagine that this manifestation will only grow. Even if somehow by God's grace you can be released and be who you want to be rather than the trapped person you've been trying to free, you will still have this "scarlet letter" hanging on your neck or, in my case, holding my hand.

It's humiliating. I find myself in need of humility more than I ever realized. It's strange too. I have felt for the longest time that keeping my struggles private is better, safer. I'm realizing now that that's part of the entrapment. I avoid talking about Olive's father as much as possible, or am as vague as possible, but I realized over the last few days that being honest and blunt is way easier, and much more liberating! It of course is an awkward thing to breach. You can see people's curiosity and hesitancy. It's not my place to talk about it with everyone; that would be inappropriate. But I'm more open to being honest and real when people do ask.

I will not be foolish enough to resist the process of letting my past shape who I am becoming. I will embrace with fear and trembling the marks and adjustments the Potter is making. I will chose to trust with all my being that He is gracious and compassionate and release myself to His justice and mercy. I pray that my experiences will teach me humility and compassion. Here's to weddings and reunions!