Graaaaaandpa!

This blog has been rolling around in my head as a vague feeling for more than a month now. I met a wonderful man named Ben at my church recently and our first real conversation started to put words to it; nothing that we talked about, just the way we talked. He reminded me of my grandpa. I thought how funny it was that I know virtually nothing about Ben, but just talking to him, hearing him make light of himself, and speak lovingly and reverently and longingly about his recently laid to rest wife.... it made me feel I know him. It made me love him and made me love my grandpa more.

This thread of thought about "knowing" someone tangled with the idea of babies, which tangled with the idea of Emmanuel. I love looking at pictures of Olive when she was just born. I remember the feeling when my midwife laid her on my stomach and I thought, "no, I don't know you. I love you, just moved virtual mountains for you, would live and would die for you but I don't know you". I think it's amazing now that I know her a little better for the two years we've spent together, shaping and re-shaping each other, that I can look back at those pictures and see HER, all that she is now, in those little eyes and little restless helpless hands. Then, think about Jesus, Emmanuel, God made flesh so we could come and know.

I have always wondered at Jesus statement that we ought to come to Him as little children (Luke 18:17). What does a child know or understand? Does that mean that we should be simple? Does that mean we should take things for granted? I think of my Grandpa. I remember sitting in the front room of their house watching him to see if he had woken up from his nap yet. My Grandpa is a VERY early to rise type and so used to take a nap right after work. If we were there when this nap happened I always itched for him to wake up. I remember peeking around the corner to see if he was up and then happily joining him on the couch as he shook of the groggies. I liked playing with his lion head slippers :) I knew my grandpa then. I loved my grandpa then. I knew that he was there for me, he was dependable, he loved me, and valued and could take care of me. I knew very little back then about why my grandpa was who he was, or even a list of personality traits or preferences... but because I loved him then I have grown to know him more since then. I think this is what it's like with Christ. I think the same confidence I had in knowing my grandpa when I was 5 is the same confidence I can approach Christ with now, being just grown up enough to realize that I don't know much about Him, but not at all doubting that I know Him. And I am thankful for the Graaaaandpa's and the Ben's in this world that let me get to know them, and then know them more, and pray that this widening of knowledge would be reflective of my widening of the knowledge of Christ in my life.

re-birth

I am being joined to a church body this weekend. In the preparatory process, I talked with the pastor about what the church believed and what I believed to make sure it was a good fit and that there was no flippancy or ignorance in the matter. I was then interviewed by two of the church elders to confirm and acknowledge my sincerity in faith and consistency of belief. I was asked by one of the Elders if I'd been born again. Now, I know where this phrase comes from, John 3:1-21 tells the story of pharisee named Nicodemus who came secretly (to avoid being judged and criticized by his fellow pharisees) to ask Jesus what was the deal... Jesus responds that unless he is born again he can't possibly see the kingdom of heaven. Of course there's more but you can read it yourself.

The question caught me off guard for a few reasons, not the least of these being that the phrase "born again" is not largely used in modern day reformed theology. I was just sort of unsure how to respond and so echoed what Paul so perfectly states in Romans 7:4-6 that I am constantly at war with myself and that war is evidence that I am being renewed, sanctified, redeemed, that I have received the spirit who's work it is to work out my rebirth. Not that I have yet attained, but am seeking after.

I have been shocked by some quick responses of others in the affirmative that, "Yes I have been born again. Jesus says you must and so yes". I am fearful of this response. I hold back such a quick affirmation for fear of being the rich young man described in Matthew 19:16-22. He so confidently responds that yes, he has kept the law perfectly from his youth, God gave the rules, he said yes... then Jesus breaks it down to show him that he can't have possibly kept the rules, he's far too selfish.

I have not loved the Lord God with all my heart, soul, and mind, and because of that truth, I can say that I have not love my neighbor as myself. Have I been born again? yes, in a thousand moments, where my thoughts were illumined by the Spirit, where my actions were redeemed by the Truth. Yet, I am not yet the second Adam. I cling to the hope that one day we will be made like Him for we shall see Him as he is, and I believe that THAT will be our full, total, and complete re-birth. Then we shall see the kingdom of God. And even now this work is being done. I quickly affirm that I am involved in a mystery, but Lord, let me be slow to answer that I know anything other than the fact that you are God and you are Good.