Every time I am close to being content and thankful, I check my facebook and it all goes crashing down. I see my portland friends living their (what used to be our) lives and being happy. The hardest to see I think is Polaris approaching a major break through (any of you reading this, go see them downtown friday and saturday as they perform iCHANGE). I thought I'd be a part of it, and here I am 1,000 miles away with a baby who's hungry but won't eat because it is a soothing experience that might make her sleep (and we all know how dangerous that sleeping business is).
I'm subbing which I should be thankful for, but then I see MY students on facebook and then I miss my "family". It's amazing what a difference it makes to teach someone whose life you're invested in as opposed to teaching some random kids.
My baby is beautiful, and humorous, and a gift from the Father... but then I see little Avery and wish they could be close and have baby play days.
I know now why my mom took down the pictures of me when I moved away... it's painful to be reminded of the ones you love when they're so far away. It hurts to remember who they were last time you saw them knowing that for all the moments and hours life has walked them down since that time they have changed.
Having two homes is a painful business. I guess loving is a painful business. Choosing what's best for Olivia brings me joy and contentment, but it sure is a hard choice.
The question of the hour of course is: "when are you coming back". As much as I ache for you all in Portland, it's so beautiful for Olive to have her grandparents close. They are so in love with her and she has benefited much from being near them in just these 8 weeks she's been here. I haven't closed the door, but I'm definitely waiting on God's voice for guidance. Until He calls me forward, I stand still. In the meantime, I'm going to improve my phone use skills and install skype. : )
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