mommy brain

I was laying in bed last night (I don't remember which hour, take your pick. I don't actually sleep much these days, just dose) when I realized and finally appreciated why new moms can only talk about their kids. It's cute at first, 'cause everyone loves a baby, but it gets old fast and suddenly becomes apparent that they're out of touch with reality. I have officially entered this zone. My existence is no longer valid as an individual. It is irrelevant what my hair looks like, weather I wear makeup or not, if my outfit even matches, how deep the bags under my eyes are (unless it means i'm getting sick which could be trouble for baby). The reason I'm here is to support this person squishing me to death from the inside out. My life is on pause, and it has been since September. When people ask if I'm a student (I hate that question btw... as if there's nothing else valuable in life a 20-something could do) I can no longer respond, "no i'm a teacher" that Heather doesn't exist; I can't respond, "no, I'm a dancer" she's paused in some alternate reality too. I have to say, "no, I've never gone to school. I went straight into teaching, and now I'm just waiting to have a baby"... really? In America especially I think, we attach our identity to what we do. It's lame.

So, I sit here with my alternate identity on pause realizing I may never be able to push the "resume" button. I knew all along that when I did resume it would look a lot different. That things would be sacrificed and freedom would be a joke from a past life. But still, I thought I'd again be able to say, "no, i'm not a student, I'm a teacher and dancer and mum". I'm not so sure these days. The longer my life is paused the farther away it seems. The soil and ground that is life is continuing to pile up in front of me as I watch, paused, frozen, unable to climb the hill as it's built. Is this re-direction? Is this yet another great surrender that God is asking of me? If it is I'll willingly (well, as willing as a selfish child can) submit, but if this is just a challenge, then give me strength.

The Bebo Norman song "The Hammer Holds" says it so well.
"this flame it melts my dreams... So dream a little dream for me In hopes that I'll remain. And cry a little cry for me So I can bear the flames. Hurt a little hurt for me My future is untold. My dreams are not the issue here for Thee the hammer holds"

"The hammer pounds again, the flames i do not feel, this force that drives me helplessly through the flesh and would reveal, a burn that burns much deeper, it's more than i can stand, the reason for my life was to take the life of a Guiltless Man...so dream a little dream.. but my dreams are not the issue here for Thee the hammer holds."