Symphonic

Imagine the different sections of an orchestra. Sometimes they all play, sometimes certain sections are featured and the others support, sometimes they are discordant to make us ache for the forthcoming resolve when the harmony brings such relief... my life of late has been a soft melody gently floating between the different orchestral areas and smoothly passing off from one to another. This weekend marked a climax where they all played passionately and with full force and to tell you the truth I didn't enjoy it.... don't get me wrong, my weekend was great. All the circumstances were well orchestrated, but there was a stirring in my soul that I had to address and it was humbling and tiring.

The first layer I suppose would have to be my new beau Michael. I have been so enjoying getting to know him more and all the wonderful things that come with getting to know and grow affection for a good man. How could this be a bad thing you ask? Only in this, as we drove home all dressed up and decked out in our finest after a perfect day at the Gala we'd been to, I realized that right now he still saw me like this. I am in his eyes still at my finest, on my best behavior, and I have chemicals on my side working full time to create a smoke and mirrors effect on his brain and mine... but one of these days will he look over and wonder what he ever saw in me? Will he see the constant noise that rules in my brain and feel that it's just not worth it? How long before he sees the real me, the one that years ago I became exhausted of living with, and beg out?

This symphonic movement is overlapped by my past. I am walking with a friend down a road in her life that I have been down in my past. I am so thankful that the Lord is using my ugly past to bring hope, strength, and gospel truth to one so dear. I am encouraged that I may possibly be able to encourage her and keep her from walking out lengths of the road that I did tread. While there is such hope here, I am also humbled to realize that I am weak. But for the strength of His applied grace to me I would be there again in an instant.

And back to the first layer answering this unsteady melody. Michael asked a question about my past as I was involved in a church while living in sin....I felt defensive and didn't want to explore why, but eventually did...

And now the sections play together echoing and answering and I am broken. Even today, even while I am dwelling in the richness of His grace I know that if it were up to me I would stray again "prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love...." This is why He is insane to love me and why Michael would be insane to stay.

And who will save me from myself? The fearful reality that no battle is ever won-and-done. That we are never safe even once saved. And so let me chose wisely the foods I choose to feast on, actively choosing to cloth myself in the Gospel every second of every day so that I might not be paralyzed by my fear of failure or betrayal, but rather proclaim gladly His salvation. "Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above"