Doubt and fear. I've been living in this land your brought me to, obeying your commands. I thought I understood a promise, but what I know is that I have no heir and another will inherit. I don't own the land, but am an alien here... How do I know? And God directs. Offer me these things. And so I do. And I wait. And I wait. And I wait.
But God haven't I been waiting enough?! Isn't that what this doubt is about? And you answer my fears by forcing me to do exactly what it is that has been causing my fear? I chase the buzzards off of my offering, that's how long You've made me wait. Finally, as the sun goes down I give up hope of waiting and a deep dark sleep overcomes me.
I (heather) have known this sleep. Praise God it's been years, but I remember the bitter sleep of deep depression; the restless peace that underwhelms when tears have emptied you and there is nothing left for your soul to hope in but an emptying of the heart and mind into sleep. The kind that you wake from not actually refreshed or exhausted, but simply disappointed to find yourself still here.
And it is in this darkness that God assures.
Michael pointed out to me a few months ago that since Abram did fall asleep, only God walked between the halved offerings. The promise hinged only on His faithfulness. The One who does not weary or change. The one of enduring patience to wait until the Amorites inequity is complete and my sin has run it's course and done it's good work (amazing grace that even my sin can be used to do a good work in His economy). It is on Him that the promise relies.
I am uneducated. It seems to me that the promise has to do with geography, and geographically, I'm not concerned with my inheritance... But there are promises that He has made that I wonder at sometimes, as I wildly bat at buzzards consuming my feeble meek offerings; how can they ever come to fruition?! How can this dead branch be grafted into the True Vine? How could this twisted heart bear the true fruit of Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Controle? Wholeness? Completion? Perfection?
And those more faithful than I, "not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth." Still waited to receive the new-born realization of their faith. "and all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect." They died in faithful expectation as a woman waits for labor pains...
I remember falling asleep in the days before Olive's birth in my half empty bed. Gentle Braxton Hicks waiting to become true excruciating labor. And all of my heart welcoming that pain. Then within the labor process even, the fear of insufficiency or inability as you wait for your body to do the involuntary work that will allow you to finally participate in the agony of bringing forth life. And I remember praying in the throws of inescapable pain that I was not yet allowed to assist or participate in that God would somehow be glorified in this work. And the months to follow of chasing the buzzards off my offering. And now in the toddler years as I chase the buzzards away from my fearful obedience hoping that God will meet my offering and make it something worth noting...
And always in the depths of my sleep, when I have stopped watching for a sign He comes.
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