Not even half way

It's 2:30 on a Thursday. Most of my work still lay before me and I'm already tired. This was a red-letter day as a parent.

I read today that in the 40 years that the Israelites wandered in the desert their feet were never swollen. (Deuteronomy 8:4). I made a 3 stop shopping trip with Olive today and my feet are already swollen. What's worse is my heart is swollen...

I have known for years that I would rather marry a man poor and have the blessing of working through hard times together. I have known that it's better to wander in the wilderness being so visibly sustained by the hand of God as to feed, cloth, and keep swelling at bay as to know without a doubt that He is my provider than to live in the land of plenty in danger of forgetting the hand of God. And yet, here I am in my own wilderness of parenting and I want out.

The first stop was a success; minimal whining about wanting to look at those toys or play with that thing. On to Target. First real break-down of the day = the shopping cart. Olive has decided she is a walking shopper these days which for one item shopping lists is ok, but for our Target tour just isn't going to work. I gave her her options, sit up front or in back. She started whining and crying. New options; get a spank and sit up front or in back or fix your attitude and sit in front or in back... still the tears. So, back to the car we went. Now when she realizes that I'm not bluffing there is a sudden heightening in the moral compass of my two year old. "I'll obey!" "I have a good attitude!" "don't spank me!!!" By now we're getting looks as we head through the parking lot to my car. Inside. Struggle to get her to sit still long enough to talk to her about why we're here back in the car... done, and done and attitude effectively adjusted we make it through Target without more fuss until we exit the building. She never wants to leave anywhere but home.

Final stop, the mall. Why I thought the mall would be best for last I don't know, sure it was arranged in a logical driving pattern but really? A mall at the end? Right. Again with the independent walking shopper thing. This time it was a one stop deal so, ok. Got what we came for, exit our store and she makes a beeline for the fountain. Ok, I'm a gracious mom, we can have a few detours so that Olive can enjoy this trip too. Look at the Easter bunny photo area (those things are still creepy). Ok, time to go. And she takes off at a run... And I have to say, I'm still calm and collected and not actually angry. I recover my devious 2 year old and again place perimeters on this trip: stay with me or I have to carry you. Ok mama... then disobedience.

Now to you and me we know what to expect but for some reason she still thinks I say things I don't mean. I carry her to the car as she starts screaming. Now beyond the embarrassment of the ruckus is the humiliation of the looks of people with raised eye brows as if I'm beating my child... and this is just the part where I'm carrying her! We make it back to the car. Have another chat about that's not ok blah blah blah. Buckle her into her seat and get headed home. She realizes we're headed home and that's when the real screaming starts... oh man! I'm now in an active state of prayer in an attempt to control my blood pressure so I don't have an aneurism and kill us both in a car wreck before we make it home.

Home. Unload the car-still fairly self controlled. Unload my daughter who is now hitting me. We probably spent 20 minutes in our room doing rounds of her confessing that she was yucky but didn't want to apologize. She told me I had to apologize because I was mean. To tell you the truth, I know that somewhere in the middle of our bedroom "discussion" I was mean. I don't really know what to do with her when she gets to that freaking out hitting kicking screaming state and it makes me want to exert my control by restricting her... by using my strength to overcome hers, but that's not how hearts are won.

In the end she was won by my sorrow. I prayed for us; for our yucky hearts. Our hearts that have no hope but in the new life of Christ. And seeing my tears she sobered. Finally she did apologize and we were restored. But man do I have swollen feet (of the heart that is)!

Abide in Me and I in you- Lord I want to believe, help thou my unbelief!