Even before the service I feel it. Intense purposelessness. Ugh. I'm virtually unsupportive. He needs no support from me. I hide behind needs: use the restroom, find a seat, get Olive settled... he sits next to me and I feel assured. A person to sit with intentionally makes a big difference.
Listening to his mother's introduction is so sweet. His mother struggling through tears to bless her son with a benediction that she's been praying over him for years and is so thankful to see a glimpse of that faith realized. Maternal labor pains never really cease. To see the bloody love of his mother over this man I've just barely started loving is humbling, putting me in perspective. And who am I really? And what is my purpose?
After the service I am met with their impressions of his grace-filled speech. How to respond? None of this is at all because of me, and really I have no part in it. I can agree with what they've said. That's the best I have to offer. No different than these acquaintances of his.
For the last 2.5 years I've been using my daughter as a shield of intentionality to give me purpose and distraction. She is my veil. Well, she doesn't need me now as she bounces around the room with his mother meeting people and begging to be chased. The whole room waits to talk with him and I'm just aware enough of my neediness to not insert myself into the conversations for fear that it would be to meet my own needs and not to encounter these people so eager to discover my beloved's wellbeing.
There are some introductions. Many well meant words of encouragement. I wonder if this relationship will ever feel permanent. I wonder as people who've experienced the temporality of marriage (be it from death or divorce) are introduced to me, his girlfriend if they wonder why I've flown out here. I am not him. I am not a part of him. And I realize that even with my baby, flesh torn out of my flesh, I am not a necessity to her "self".
In the next service there is a blunder. I am introduced over the loud-speaker sounds system as his fiance... oh no, self. Nothing so entwined as that. My finger is naked; my small, insufficient self exposed; and I am just me standing here as I've had to do for 26 years. I don't think that will ever change.
I think I tend to look towards outside circumstances to change the way I view myself. There is this fine balance between not esteeming yourself too highly (for instance being so consumed by how you feel to let it hijack your day), and viewing yourself to lowly. And all of this worries me.
I am in reality ill equipped to be a pastor's wife. How could God's grace make me secure enough to climb over my high plastered walls of self-doubt to bless another's life with love and reassurance? God, show me clearly my "role" because purpose and work are the only coverings under which I feel safe.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment